Today, I want to delve into a topic that is often misunderstood but profoundly affects many survivors of sexual assault: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a complex condition that can have lasting effects on a survivor’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Prior to my assault I thought I had an understanding of what PTSD was. I was severely misinformed. To shed light on this important topic, I’ll draw insights from the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a renowned expert in trauma research.
For me, the nightmares began night one and lasted at least 6 months. The flashbacks, intrusive memories, and intense emotional reactions began immediately and lasted all day for months. I couldn’t do anything for more than a few minutes without an intrusive thought punching me in the gut and causing me to lose my breath for a moment. The smell of cigarettes anywhere near me sent me right back to that night and his smoky breath on me. Even if I was safe with friends or family, my body felt imminent danger as if I really was fighting for my life. The hypervigilence was also immediate. In case anyone isn’t familiar, hypervigilence is a state of heightened alertness, sensitivity and awareness to potential threats or dangers in the environment. It was as if my head was constantly on a swivel out in public. I couldn’t be in a restaurant because the constant scanning for danger, sudden movements of others, and the potential for the unknown was too overstimulating. If I did go out in public it exhausted me for days. None of this was a surprise to me. These were all PTSD symptoms I expected from watching war movies.
What caught me completely by surprise was the anger. I am not an angry person. In fact, I tend to be more of a pushover than a pushback type of person. Months into my healing journey I found myself without an ounce of patience for anyone or anything. I felt constantly on edge, annoyed, and ready to fight anyone that even looked in my direction. I found it nearly impossible to manage humans when part of my job is to listen to the needs of others. Their complaints and gripes felt minimal compared to the hurricane going on inside my body. The angrier I became the more I beat myself up for being angry. I became a life coach to help other people with their problems. What is wrong with me!? The anger I felt towards myself and others was eating me alive. I picked up the book, The Body Keeps the Score and it was one of the most validating feelings I had. And one of the first times I envisioned channeling that anger towards advocacy.
The Body Keeps the Score is a dense book full of medical jargon that doesn’t make for an easy read if you aren’t into that sort of thing. I have highlighted some of the most meaningful takeaways for me personally:
- The Nature of PTSD: Dr. van der Kolk describes PTSD as a response to overwhelming traumatic events, where the brain and body struggle to process and integrate the experience. For survivors of sexual assault, the trauma can manifest in intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and intense emotional reactions.
- Dysregulation of the Nervous System: One key concept highlighted in the book is the dysregulation of the nervous system in trauma survivors. Sexual assault can trigger a heightened state of arousal, known as hypervigilance, where survivors remain on high alert for potential threats. Conversely, some survivors may experience dissociation, a state of emotional detachment or numbness, as a coping mechanism to distance themselves from the trauma.
- Impact on Brain Structures: Dr. van der Kolk explores how trauma alters brain structures, particularly the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. The amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, becomes hyperactive in response to perceived threats, leading to exaggerated fear responses. Meanwhile, the hippocampus, crucial for memory consolidation, may struggle to differentiate between past trauma and present safety, contributing to intrusive memories and flashbacks. The prefrontal cortex, involved in decision-making and impulse control, may also be impaired, affecting survivors’ ability to regulate emotions and engage in effective coping strategies.
- Somatic Symptoms: “The Body Keeps the Score” emphasizes the somatic manifestations of trauma, where survivors may experience physical symptoms such as chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, and autoimmune disorders. These somatic complaints are often linked to the dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system, which governs involuntary bodily functions, including heart rate, digestion, and immune response. For survivors, these physical symptoms can further exacerbate their distress and impact their quality of life.
- The Role of Trauma Therapy: Despite the challenges posed by PTSD, Dr. van der Kolk offers hope through trauma-focused therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and somatic experiencing. These approaches aim to help survivors process and integrate their traumatic experiences, regulate their nervous system responses, and develop coping skills to manage distressing symptoms.
Anger specific takeaways:
- Anger as a Response to Trauma: Dr. van der Kolk emphasizes that trauma, particularly experiences of sexual assault, can evoke intense feelings of anger in survivors. This anger may stem from a sense of powerlessness, betrayal, or violation of boundaries during the traumatic event. Survivors may also harbor anger toward perpetrators, society’s failure to protect them, or even themselves for what happened.
- The Physiology of Anger: Understanding the physiological underpinnings of anger is crucial. Trauma triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response, flooding the system with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. For survivors, this heightened state of arousal can lead to a persistent sense of irritability, agitation, and rage. Additionally, trauma may dysregulate the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, amplifying emotional responses and making it difficult to modulate anger.
- Anger Turned Inward: Dr. van der Kolk highlights that many survivors internalize their anger, directing it inward toward themselves. This self-directed anger may manifest as self-blame, self-destructive behaviors, or feelings of worthlessness and shame. Survivors may struggle with accepting themselves or forgiving perceived mistakes, leading to profound emotional turmoil and self-sabotage.
- Healing Through Anger: While anger can be overwhelming and disruptive, it also serves as a potent catalyst for healing. Dr. van der Kolk advocates for the acknowledgment and expression of anger as a vital step in the trauma recovery process. Through therapy and support groups, survivors can safely explore and process their anger, reclaiming a sense of agency and empowerment in the aftermath of trauma.
- Transforming Anger into Advocacy: Beyond individual healing, survivors’ anger can fuel collective action and social change. Many survivors channel their anger into advocacy efforts, speaking out against sexual violence, advocating for policy reforms, and supporting fellow survivors. By transforming their anger into a force for justice and empowerment, survivors reclaim their voices and contribute to a culture of resilience and accountability.
Reading this book didn’t magically heal any of my PTSD symptoms but it did give me a sense of control back knowing that everything I was feeling was normal and as the different stages of healing came, I was prepared with what was to come.
Understanding the impact of PTSD on sexual assault survivors is crucial for providing effective support and interventions. By recognizing the interconnectedness of trauma, the brain, and the body, we can empower survivors on their journey toward healing and recovery.
If you or someone you know is struggling with PTSD or the aftermath of sexual assault, I encourage reaching out to qualified mental health professionals for support and guidance.
With love and solidarity,
M
Shattering the Silence 