Category: depression

When the Camera Rolls: P Diddy, Survivor Stories, and the Urgency of Believing Women

by Melissa, posted in anxiety, celebrity abuse, depression, p diddy, sexual assault, survivor, trauma

In recent weeks, the entertainment world was rocked by disturbing allegations against Sean “P Diddy” Combs. A video emerged showing P Diddy allegedly abusing his ex-girlfriend, reigniting conversations about domestic violence and the treatment of survivors. This incident is not just about the actions of one man; it reflects a deeper, systemic issue in our society—the pervasive doubt cast on female survivors of abuse.

The video below may be hard for some to watch.

The P Diddy Incident: A Wake-Up Call

When the video surfaced, the initial reactions were varied. Some expressed shock and dismay, while others were quick to defend P Diddy, questioning the validity of the footage and the motivations behind its release. This pattern of skepticism is all too familiar to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. For many, the gut-wrenching experience of sharing the truth is met with disbelief, scrutiny, and victim-blaming. A study conducted by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) found that the percentage of false reports falls within the range of 2% to 10% . The FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program notes that the percentage of unfounded cases (those determined to be false or baseless) for rape is consistently around 8% . This is comparable to the rates of false reporting for other crimes. Yet, survivors continue to be doubted.

Why Society Doubts Female Survivors

  1. Cultural Conditioning: From a young age, society conditions us to view men as strong and women as emotional or unstable. This stereotype leads to an inherent bias where men’s actions are often excused or rationalized, while women’s experiences are questioned.
  2. Victim-Blaming: There is a pervasive tendency to blame victims for their abuse. Questions like “Why didn’t she leave?” or “What was she wearing?” place undue burden on survivors to justify their actions instead of holding abusers accountable.
  3. Celebrity Worship: The idolization of celebrities compounds this issue. When a beloved public figure is accused, fans and the media can be reluctant to accept the accusations, fearing the fall of their idols more than the impact on the victims.
  4. Misogyny and Patriarchy: Deep-rooted misogyny and patriarchal values play a significant role. Women who speak out are often seen as troublemakers or liars, especially when their stories threaten the power and reputation of influential men.

The Importance of Believing Survivors

Believing survivors is crucial for several reasons:

  • Validation and Healing: When survivors are believed, it validates their experiences and is a significant step towards healing. It acknowledges their pain and starts to dismantle the isolation and shame they often feel.
  • Encouraging Reporting: When society believes survivors, it encourages others to come forward. Knowing they will be heard and supported can make a profound difference in a survivor’s willingness to report abuse.
  • Accountability: Believing survivors is essential for holding abusers accountable. Without belief, justice systems and support structures fail to act, allowing abusers to continue their behavior unchecked.

Moving Forward: A Call to Action

The P Diddy incident should serve as a catalyst for change. Here are some steps we can take to support survivors and create a more just society:

  1. Educate and Raise Awareness: Promote education on the dynamics of abuse and the importance of supporting survivors. Awareness campaigns can help dismantle harmful stereotypes and biases.
  2. Support Survivor Networks: Strengthen support networks and resources for survivors, ensuring they have access to the help they need without fear of judgment or disbelief.
  3. Challenge Misogyny and Patriarchy: Actively challenge and speak out against misogynistic attitudes and patriarchal structures that perpetuate the disbelief of women (future blog post coming on this topic).
  4. Hold Abusers Accountable: Advocate for robust legal and social frameworks that hold abusers accountable, regardless of their status or power.

The video of P Diddy allegedly abusing his ex-girlfriend is more than a scandal; it is a stark reminder of the ongoing struggle survivors face to be heard and believed. As a society, we must do better. We must listen to survivors, believe them, and take action to ensure justice and healing. Only then can we hope to build a world where survivors are supported and abusers are held accountable. Let this incident be a turning point—a moment when we choose to stand with survivors and demand a better, more compassionate future.

With love and solidarity,

M

Sources:

  1. NSVRC: False Reporting
  2. FBI: Uniform Crime Reporting

Healing Trauma with EMDR Therapy

by Melissa, posted in anxiety, depression, sexual assault, survivor, trauma

As survivors of sexual assault, we understand all too well the complex and often overwhelming emotions that accompany our experiences. The journey toward healing can feel like an uphill battle, fraught with triggers, flashbacks, and moments of profound despair. However, amidst the darkness, there is hope. In recent years, a therapeutic approach known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has emerged as a powerful tool for trauma recovery. In this blog post, we’ll explore what EMDR therapy entails, how it works, and the potential benefits it offers to survivors.

What is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR therapy is a structured psychotherapy approach designed to help individuals process traumatic memories and alleviate associated symptoms. Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR has since gained widespread recognition as an effective treatment for trauma-related conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How Does EMDR Work?

Central to EMDR therapy is the concept of bilateral stimulation, which involves engaging both hemispheres of the brain through rhythmic sensory input. This can be achieved through a variety of techniques, including horizontal eye movements, hand taps, or auditory tones. During an EMDR session, the therapist guides the client in recalling distressing memories while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation. This process facilitates the reprocessing of traumatic memories, allowing the individual to integrate them more effectively into their overall memory network.

The Eight Phases of EMDR Therapy:

EMDR therapy typically consists of eight distinct phases:

  1. History-taking and treatment planning
  2. Preparation
  3. Assessment
  4. Desensitization
  5. Installation
  6. Body Scan
  7. Closure
  8. Reevaluation

Throughout these phases, the therapist works collaboratively with the client to identify target memories, develop coping skills, and process traumatic experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Survivors:

  • Rapid symptom reduction: EMDR therapy has been shown to produce significant and often rapid improvements in symptoms associated with trauma, including intrusive memories, nightmares, and hypervigilance.
  • Targeted treatment: EMDR allows survivors to address specific traumatic memories or triggers, rather than focusing on generalized symptoms.
  • Empowerment: By facilitating the reprocessing of traumatic memories, EMDR therapy empowers survivors to regain a sense of control over their lives and move forward with greater resilience and self-confidence.
  • Lasting results: Research has demonstrated the long-term efficacy of EMDR therapy in reducing symptoms of PTSD and related conditions.

As survivors of sexual assault, we are no strangers to the profound impact of trauma on our lives. However, we are also resilient, resourceful, and deserving of healing. EMDR therapy offers us a path forward—a chance to reclaim our lives, process our experiences, and move forward with renewed hope and strength. If you’re considering EMDR therapy as part of your healing journey, I encourage you to explore this option further and reach out to a qualified therapist who can provide the support and guidance you need. Remember, healing is possible, and you are not alone.

With love and solidarity,
M

Understanding PTSD: The Impact on Sexual Assault Survivors

by Melissa, posted in anxiety, depression, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

Today, I want to delve into a topic that is often misunderstood but profoundly affects many survivors of sexual assault: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a complex condition that can have lasting effects on a survivor’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Prior to my assault I thought I had an understanding of what PTSD was. I was severely misinformed. To shed light on this important topic, I’ll draw insights from the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a renowned expert in trauma research.

For me, the nightmares began night one and lasted at least 6 months. The flashbacks, intrusive memories, and intense emotional reactions began immediately and lasted all day for months. I couldn’t do anything for more than a few minutes without an intrusive thought punching me in the gut and causing me to lose my breath for a moment. The smell of cigarettes anywhere near me sent me right back to that night and his smoky breath on me. Even if I was safe with friends or family, my body felt imminent danger as if I really was fighting for my life. The hypervigilence was also immediate. In case anyone isn’t familiar, hypervigilence is a state of heightened alertness, sensitivity and awareness to potential threats or dangers in the environment. It was as if my head was constantly on a swivel out in public. I couldn’t be in a restaurant because the constant scanning for danger, sudden movements of others, and the potential for the unknown was too overstimulating. If I did go out in public it exhausted me for days. None of this was a surprise to me. These were all PTSD symptoms I expected from watching war movies.

What caught me completely by surprise was the anger. I am not an angry person. In fact, I tend to be more of a pushover than a pushback type of person. Months into my healing journey I found myself without an ounce of patience for anyone or anything. I felt constantly on edge, annoyed, and ready to fight anyone that even looked in my direction. I found it nearly impossible to manage humans when part of my job is to listen to the needs of others. Their complaints and gripes felt minimal compared to the hurricane going on inside my body. The angrier I became the more I beat myself up for being angry. I became a life coach to help other people with their problems. What is wrong with me!? The anger I felt towards myself and others was eating me alive. I picked up the book, The Body Keeps the Score and it was one of the most validating feelings I had. And one of the first times I envisioned channeling that anger towards advocacy.

The Body Keeps the Score is a dense book full of medical jargon that doesn’t make for an easy read if you aren’t into that sort of thing. I have highlighted some of the most meaningful takeaways for me personally:

  1. The Nature of PTSD: Dr. van der Kolk describes PTSD as a response to overwhelming traumatic events, where the brain and body struggle to process and integrate the experience. For survivors of sexual assault, the trauma can manifest in intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and intense emotional reactions.
  2. Dysregulation of the Nervous System: One key concept highlighted in the book is the dysregulation of the nervous system in trauma survivors. Sexual assault can trigger a heightened state of arousal, known as hypervigilance, where survivors remain on high alert for potential threats. Conversely, some survivors may experience dissociation, a state of emotional detachment or numbness, as a coping mechanism to distance themselves from the trauma.
  3. Impact on Brain Structures: Dr. van der Kolk explores how trauma alters brain structures, particularly the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. The amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, becomes hyperactive in response to perceived threats, leading to exaggerated fear responses. Meanwhile, the hippocampus, crucial for memory consolidation, may struggle to differentiate between past trauma and present safety, contributing to intrusive memories and flashbacks. The prefrontal cortex, involved in decision-making and impulse control, may also be impaired, affecting survivors’ ability to regulate emotions and engage in effective coping strategies.
  4. Somatic Symptoms: “The Body Keeps the Score” emphasizes the somatic manifestations of trauma, where survivors may experience physical symptoms such as chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, and autoimmune disorders. These somatic complaints are often linked to the dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system, which governs involuntary bodily functions, including heart rate, digestion, and immune response. For survivors, these physical symptoms can further exacerbate their distress and impact their quality of life.
  5. The Role of Trauma Therapy: Despite the challenges posed by PTSD, Dr. van der Kolk offers hope through trauma-focused therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and somatic experiencing. These approaches aim to help survivors process and integrate their traumatic experiences, regulate their nervous system responses, and develop coping skills to manage distressing symptoms.

Anger specific takeaways:

  1. Anger as a Response to Trauma: Dr. van der Kolk emphasizes that trauma, particularly experiences of sexual assault, can evoke intense feelings of anger in survivors. This anger may stem from a sense of powerlessness, betrayal, or violation of boundaries during the traumatic event. Survivors may also harbor anger toward perpetrators, society’s failure to protect them, or even themselves for what happened.
  2. The Physiology of Anger: Understanding the physiological underpinnings of anger is crucial. Trauma triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response, flooding the system with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. For survivors, this heightened state of arousal can lead to a persistent sense of irritability, agitation, and rage. Additionally, trauma may dysregulate the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, amplifying emotional responses and making it difficult to modulate anger.
  3. Anger Turned Inward: Dr. van der Kolk highlights that many survivors internalize their anger, directing it inward toward themselves. This self-directed anger may manifest as self-blame, self-destructive behaviors, or feelings of worthlessness and shame. Survivors may struggle with accepting themselves or forgiving perceived mistakes, leading to profound emotional turmoil and self-sabotage.
  4. Healing Through Anger: While anger can be overwhelming and disruptive, it also serves as a potent catalyst for healing. Dr. van der Kolk advocates for the acknowledgment and expression of anger as a vital step in the trauma recovery process. Through therapy and support groups, survivors can safely explore and process their anger, reclaiming a sense of agency and empowerment in the aftermath of trauma.
  5. Transforming Anger into Advocacy: Beyond individual healing, survivors’ anger can fuel collective action and social change. Many survivors channel their anger into advocacy efforts, speaking out against sexual violence, advocating for policy reforms, and supporting fellow survivors. By transforming their anger into a force for justice and empowerment, survivors reclaim their voices and contribute to a culture of resilience and accountability.

Reading this book didn’t magically heal any of my PTSD symptoms but it did give me a sense of control back knowing that everything I was feeling was normal and as the different stages of healing came, I was prepared with what was to come.

Understanding the impact of PTSD on sexual assault survivors is crucial for providing effective support and interventions. By recognizing the interconnectedness of trauma, the brain, and the body, we can empower survivors on their journey toward healing and recovery.

If you or someone you know is struggling with PTSD or the aftermath of sexual assault, I encourage reaching out to qualified mental health professionals for support and guidance.

With love and solidarity,

M

How to Support a Survivor: A Guide for Loved Ones

Featured by Melissa, posted in anxiety, depression, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

Dear friends, family, and partners of survivors,

I want to start by thanking you for clicking on this post and expressing a willingness to support someone you care about who has experienced trauma. Your love and support can make an incredible difference in their healing journey. As a survivor myself, I know firsthand how vital the support of loved ones can be during such challenging times.

When I reported my assault, the officer I first talked to told me, “this is going to be an extremely isolating process, lean on your people.” I shrugged this off immediately. I have a large tribe and am no stranger to trauma and my people always come through. I figured that was just a warning the officer gave everyone that didn’t apply to me. At the hospital I heard this warning of isolation twice more. Still, I thought, not me.

The day I reported was the longest of my life. My best friend was with me the entire time and took me home with her to stay with her and her family. That night when things finally settled down and I went to bed alone I experienced my first feelings of isolation. Not just because I was physically alone. It’s impossible to explain the violating feeling of someone forcing themselves not only on you but into you. I can tell my story 100 times and it still doesn’t register to an outsider the way it felt to be me. The only time the feeling of isolation went away was sharing with another survivor. Unfortunately, I had more of these shared experiences than I wish but survivors share something we can’t explain, and we don’t have to. We know.

I started this blog hoping to connect more of us to diminish as much of the pain of isolation as possible. Not everyone wants to discuss their experience with their loved ones. It’s an incredibly vulnerable thing to share with anyone. But, I have found incredible strength and power through the conversations and connections I have built with other survivors.

While the below is just a guide, and everyone is different, I encourage you to ASK your loved one what they need. They might not know, show up anyway. You will not say the right thing, because there is no right thing to say to make this go away for them. Just show up and tell them you are there for them. A huge part of my isolation came in the weeks and months after I had told most of the people closest to me. No one knows what to say or do so they say nothing. The fear of bringing it up at a bad time, saying the wrong thing, or having an uncomfortable conversation stopped a lot of people from reaching out at all. Most went back to their lives seemingly unchanged while I struggled daily, forever changed.

My mom came from out of town and cleaned my house, one friend showed up at the place I was staying, another girlfriend texted me consistently just telling me she loved me, others offered a shoulder and helped with my dog. I am really lucky for the support that I had and that I never had the feeling of not being believed. I did, however, have several people tell me what they would have done if they had been me. That they would have “fought for their lives.” I know I don’t need to explain how unnecessary, unhelpful, and insensitive comments like this are. But, they happen. I am able to find a lot of grace for these comments now, knowing it comes from a place of misunderstanding. So, I hope this post helps someone better navigate supporting a loved one through this.

Here are a few tips to support your loved one:

  1. Believe Them: One of the most important things you can do is to believe the survivor. It takes immense courage to speak up about experiences of sexual violence, and your belief in them can validate their feelings and experiences.
  2. Listen, Don’t Judge: Create a safe space for the survivor to share their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. Sometimes, survivors just need someone to listen without offering advice or trying to “fix” the situation.
  3. Respect Boundaries: Every survivor copes with trauma differently, and it’s essential to respect their boundaries. Allow them to set the pace for discussing their experience and participating in activities.
  4. Offer Practical Support: Survivors may struggle with everyday tasks while coping with trauma. Offer practical support such as cooking meals, running errands, or assisting with childcare if needed.
  5. Educate Yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about the effects of trauma and how it impacts survivors. This will help you better understand their experiences and provide more effective support.
  6. Encourage Professional Help: Encourage the survivor to seek professional help if they’re open to it. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in processing trauma and developing coping strategies.
  7. Be Patient: Healing from trauma takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. Be patient and understanding, and let the survivor know that you’re there for them no matter what.
  8. Self-Care: Supporting a survivor can be emotionally challenging, so remember to take care of yourself as well. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.
  9. Validate Their Feelings: Let the survivor know that their feelings are valid and normal. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them.
  10. Be Their Ally: Stand up for the survivor and advocate for their needs, whether it’s in personal relationships, at work, or within the community. Your support can empower them to reclaim their voice and agency.

Remember, your support as a loved one is invaluable to the survivor’s healing process. Your presence, compassion, and understanding can make a world of difference. Thank you for being a source of strength and support during this challenging time.

Other survivors, please share anything your loved ones did that helped you!

With love and solidarity,
M

Embracing the Nonlinear Journey

by Melissa, posted in anxiety, depression, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

As we navigate the tumultuous waters of healing from any trauma, it’s crucial to understand that the path to recovery is not a straight line. It’s not a neat, linear progression from trauma to triumph. Instead, it’s a complex, often messy journey with ups and downs, twists and turns. In this blog post, we’ll explore why healing from trauma is not linear and how embracing the nonlinear nature of our journey can be empowering and liberating.

The Myth of Linear Healing:

Society often perpetuates the myth that healing from trauma, including sexual assault, follows a linear trajectory. We’re told to “move on” or “get over it,” as if healing were a checklist to be completed within a certain timeframe. However, the reality is far more nuanced. Healing is a deeply personal and individual process, and it unfolds differently for each survivor.

Let me get personal with this-

My assault happened in July of 2023. It’s been almost 7 months. Some days feel like it was years ago and other days feel like it was yesterday. You know that feeling of losing a loved one and you wake up and for a few moments before you are fully conscious, life is good? The first few weeks after my assault, I didn’t have that. The day after, I remember waking up and feeling like I had been crying in my sleep. Maybe I never fully slept or maybe I went so quickly from the subconscious to the conscious that those precious blissfully unaware seconds had no time to be felt. Either way that first day feeling bled into every day that first two weeks. There was no relief. I drifted in and out of sadness, anger, shock, terror, and panic. I stayed with friends 30 miles outside of town, too scared to go back to my own home. The assault occurred in my home so it no longer felt like a safe space.

I remember talking to coworkers online, or friends in person or on the phone and being so jealous that anyone could talk about anything else. Traumatic events like this might stop our world but it doesn’t stop the world around us from happening. It was such a complex and confusing feeling to feel grateful for the topic change that I knew was a distraction attempt via loved ones but there was absolutely no distraction that could pull me out of the mess in my head and my body. I felt physically ill that entire first week. The lack of nutrition, sleep and overall stress wreaked havoc on my body and my mind. 

Every time I think I am on the other side of this, I am jolted back onto the roller coaster that I never asked to be on. I’ve gone for weeks and most recently, months without a tear, any significant burst of anger or shame dragging me down but today knocked me on my ass. I have heard nothing about my case since before Christmas. I have been able to live in lala land a little bit since then, putting my case and this awful man to the back of my mind as much as possible.

Today, I was going about my morning getting ready for the work day to start when I got a call with an update from the detective assigned to my case. It never matters if the content of the update is significant or particularly upsetting. The content never matters- it’s the jolt back to July 30th and a brutal reminder that this really did happen. It took me from just another normal day where I feel like myself to those first few weeks where I feel like I am suffocating again and I struggle with the fact that the world continues on as if I am not drowning. It hasn’t just magically gone away and there is still so much agony that I will have to face before this is finally “over”. And is it ever really over? I don’t know yet. I just know it still hurts. I’m still angry. There is still shame, but it’s all under the surface and it comes back up in moments I don’t expect.  I am still unbelievably disgusted that people like this exist and are walking around like normal humans among us. These days make me want to throw in the towel legally. I want to quit all of it, run away and live my life as if this never happened.

In the past I would have let this “regressive” state make me feel like I am weak or haven’t healed enough. This triggered state could easily send me (and has) down a dark tunnel that I cannot get out of for days. Once I learned more about how the path of healing actually works I began to give myself more grace.

Healing from any trauma is nonlinear for several reasons:

  1. Triggers and Flashbacks: Survivors may experience triggers or flashbacks that evoke intense emotions and memories associated with the trauma. These triggers can occur unexpectedly, disrupting the healing process and causing setbacks.
  2. Healing Isn’t Linear: The journey of healing is filled with peaks and valleys, progress and setbacks. One day, you may feel empowered and hopeful, while the next, you may struggle with overwhelming emotions or symptoms of PTSD. This ebb and flow is natural and doesn’t diminish your progress or strength.
  3. Healing is Cyclical: Just as the seasons change and cycles repeat, healing from sexual assault often follows a cyclical pattern. You may revisit certain emotions or memories multiple times, each time gaining new insights and perspectives.
  4. Growth and Regression: Healing involves periods of growth and regression. You may make significant strides forward, only to encounter challenges that prompt a temporary regression. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it’s simply a natural part of the healing process.
  5. Self-Discovery: Healing from sexual assault is not just about overcoming trauma; it’s also a journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. Along the way, you may uncover layers of yourself, confront deeply ingrained beliefs, and redefine your identity in empowering ways.

I won’t lie and say that I am not still taken aback by these waves. They still take my breath away and completely stop me in my tracks. I have to actively acknowledge what is happening and do my best to move through it. I cry, I write, a call a trusted friend, I move my body, and I remind myself how far I have come.

Instead of viewing the nonlinear nature of healing as a sign of weakness or failure, we can embrace it as a source of strength and resilience. Embracing the nonlinear journey means:

  1. Practicing Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself on the difficult days. Acknowledge your progress, no matter how small, and offer yourself kindness and understanding.
  2. Seeking Support: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, therapists, and fellow survivors who understand the complexities of healing.
  3. Honoring Your Needs: Listen to your body and mind, and honor your needs in each moment. Whether it’s taking a break, practicing self-care, or seeking professional help, prioritize your well-being.
  4. Celebrating Victories: Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. Whether it’s setting boundaries, speaking your truth, or reclaiming your joy, every step forward is worth celebrating.

I do not wish trauma of any kind on anyone, but as cliche as it sounds, we cannot have rainbows without rain. I try to view my trauma as an opportunity to grow into a stronger and more resilient woman. I have learned so much about myself, my intuition, and my ability to do things I never thought I could that I may not otherwise have ever fully realized. We don’t have a lot of control over others and the harm they cause us but there is something extraordinarily powerful in knowing the control we have over our reactions and who we become through those experiences.

Healing from trauma is a nonlinear journey, filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to embrace the messiness of your healing process. Remember, healing is not about reaching a destination; it’s about embracing the journey, embracing your strength, and embracing yourself.

With love and solidarity,

M