Tag: abuse

Healing Out Loud: Breaking the Silence Together

by Melissa, posted in sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

I am really struggling right now. I’m in the middle of the legal process from my assault, and there are days I want to give up—not on life, but on my case. I so badly want my peaceful life back. Digging this all up after a year and knowing it most likely won’t be resolved in court for at least another year is beyond daunting. Every day feels like walking in quicksand, fighting to keep myself from being pulled under.

I chose early on to be open with my story with my loved ones and recently also with colleagues. I did not make that decision lightly, and I wish I could say I am always confident with it, but I am far from it. I constantly worry if people look at me differently—if they believe me, judge me, or judge my decision to share. Most days, I feel a bit like an animal in a zoo, on display for everyone to watch from afar but never get close enough to connect.

Then there are days like today that remind me why I am healing out loud. A young lady in my office reached out with her own story, seeking advice. I wish I could say this never happens, because it means another survivor, but unfortunately, it happens often.

When I first started sharing my story, it felt like stepping into an abyss. The fear, the shame, and the stigma surrounding sexual assault are powerful forces designed to keep survivors silent. But I chose to heal out loud, and here’s why.

Silence Breeds Isolation

One of the most insidious effects of sexual assault is the isolation it creates. The trauma can make you feel like you’re the only one, fostering a deep sense of loneliness. By speaking out, I aim to shatter that illusion. You’re not alone. We are many, and together, our voices form a chorus of strength and resilience.

Power in Vulnerability

Healing is a journey, not a destination. For me, part of that journey involves embracing vulnerability. Sharing my story is not just about recounting past events; it’s about reclaiming my power. It’s about standing tall and saying, “This happened to me, but it does not define me.” Every time I share, I take a step away from the shadows of my past and into the light of my future.

Creating a Safe Space

When I speak out, I hope to create a safe space for others to do the same. Society often tells us to keep quiet, to bury our pain. But when we share our stories, we challenge that narrative. We create a community where survivors can find solace, understanding, and support. We build a world where silence is no longer the norm, and healing is.

Raising Awareness

Every story shared is a beacon of awareness. It highlights the prevalence of sexual assault and the urgent need for change. By healing out loud, I hope to contribute to a culture that supports survivors, holds perpetrators accountable, and ultimately, works towards preventing sexual assault.

Empowering Others

Healing out loud is not just about my journey; it’s about empowering others to embark on their own. When survivors see someone like them speaking out, it can inspire them to find their voice. It can give them the courage to seek help, to share their story, and to start their own path to healing.

Breaking the Cycle

Silence perpetuates the cycle of abuse. By speaking out, we disrupt that cycle. We shine a light on the dark corners where abuse thrives. We educate others about the signs, the impact, and the importance of consent. Every voice raised against sexual assault is a step towards breaking the cycle and creating a safer world for future generations.

Healing out loud is not easy, but it is powerful. It is a declaration that we will not be silenced by our trauma. It is a commitment to ourselves and to others, that we will seek healing and help others do the same. Together, we can transform our pain into a powerful force for change. If my story helps just one person feel less alone, then every word has been worth it.

So, to all the survivors out there: I see you. I hear you. Your voice matters. Let’s heal together, out loud and unafraid.

In love and solidarity,

M

The Silent Struggle: Understanding Why So Few Survivors Report Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence

by Melissa, posted in sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

As a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, I know firsthand the immense courage it takes to speak out. Yet, the reality is that the vast majority of survivors remain silent. The reasons for this silence are complex and deeply rooted in societal attitudes, systemic barriers, and personal fears. In this post, we will explore why so few survivors report their abusers, backed by revealing statistics, and address the myth of false reporting.

The Stark Reality of Underreporting

Sexual Assault Reporting Statistics

  • According to the U.S. Department of Justice, only 25 out of every 1,000 rapes are reported to the police.
  • The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) reports that only 33% of sexual assaults are ever reported to the authorities.

Domestic Violence Reporting Statistics

  • The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) states that about 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries, yet many do not report the abuse to authorities.
  • A Bureau of Justice Statistics report found that only about half (56%) of intimate partner violence incidents are reported to law enforcement.

Reasons for Not Reporting

  1. Fear of Retaliation Survivors often fear that their abuser will retaliate if they report the abuse. This fear is not unfounded, as many abusers threaten further harm or even death if their victim seeks help.
  2. Shame and Stigma The stigma surrounding sexual assault and domestic violence can be overwhelming. Survivors may feel ashamed or blame themselves for the abuse, making it harder to come forward.
  3. Distrust in the System Many survivors lack faith in the criminal justice system. Stories of survivors who were not believed, faced victim-blaming, or saw their abusers go unpunished contribute to this distrust.
  4. Emotional and Psychological Barriers The trauma of abuse can lead to severe emotional and psychological impacts, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. These conditions can make it difficult for survivors to take action.
  5. Economic Dependence Many survivors, particularly those in domestic violence situations, are financially dependent on their abusers. The fear of losing financial support or facing homelessness can deter them from reporting the abuse.
  6. Concern for Children Survivors with children may fear losing custody or worry about the emotional and physical impact on their children if they report the abuse.

The Myth of False Reporting

The issue of false accusations of sexual or physical abuse is often brought up in discussions about these crimes, but it is crucial to understand the actual statistics and context.

False Reporting Rates

  • A study conducted by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) found that the percentage of false reports falls within the range of 2% to 10%.
  • The FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program notes that the percentage of unfounded cases (those determined to be false or baseless) for rape is consistently around 8%. This rate is comparable to the rates of false reporting for other crimes.

Impact of False Reporting Myths

  1. Undermining Credibility The myth of high false reporting rates undermines the credibility of genuine survivors, making it harder for them to be believed and supported when they come forward.
  2. Discouraging Reporting Fear of not being believed or being accused of lying can discourage survivors from reporting their abuse. This perpetuates a cycle of silence and allows abusers to continue their behavior unchecked.
  3. Re-Traumatization Survivors who face skepticism and disbelief may experience re-traumatization, exacerbating the emotional and psychological toll of their initial trauma.

Supporting Survivors and Encouraging Reporting

  1. Creating Safe Spaces Establish and promote safe environments where survivors can share their stories without fear of judgment or retaliation. Support groups and counseling services can provide crucial support.
  2. Education and Awareness Raise awareness about the realities of sexual assault and domestic violence. Educating the public can help dismantle harmful myths and reduce stigma.
  3. Improving the Justice System Advocate for reforms in the criminal justice system to ensure that survivors are treated with respect and that their cases are taken seriously. Training for law enforcement and judicial officials on handling these cases sensitively is essential.
  4. Providing Resources Ensure that survivors have access to the resources they need, such as legal aid, shelters, and financial assistance. These resources can empower survivors to take action.
  5. Encouraging Reporting Support initiatives that encourage and facilitate reporting, such as anonymous tip lines and online reporting systems. Making the process easier and less intimidating can help more survivors come forward.

The silence surrounding sexual assault and domestic violence is a reflection of the immense barriers that survivors face. By understanding the statistics and the reasons behind this silence, we can begin to address these barriers and create a society that supports and believes survivors. Together, we can work towards a future where every survivor feels safe and empowered to speak out and seek justice.

With love and solidarity,

M

Sources:

  1. RAINN: The Criminal Justice System: Statistics
  2. NCADV: Domestic Violence National Statistics
  3. Bureau of Justice Statistics: Intimate Partner Violence
  4. NSVRC: False Reporting
  5. FBI: Uniform Crime Reporting

When the Camera Rolls: P Diddy, Survivor Stories, and the Urgency of Believing Women

by Melissa, posted in anxiety, celebrity abuse, depression, p diddy, sexual assault, survivor, trauma

In recent weeks, the entertainment world was rocked by disturbing allegations against Sean “P Diddy” Combs. A video emerged showing P Diddy allegedly abusing his ex-girlfriend, reigniting conversations about domestic violence and the treatment of survivors. This incident is not just about the actions of one man; it reflects a deeper, systemic issue in our society—the pervasive doubt cast on female survivors of abuse.

The video below may be hard for some to watch.

The P Diddy Incident: A Wake-Up Call

When the video surfaced, the initial reactions were varied. Some expressed shock and dismay, while others were quick to defend P Diddy, questioning the validity of the footage and the motivations behind its release. This pattern of skepticism is all too familiar to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. For many, the gut-wrenching experience of sharing the truth is met with disbelief, scrutiny, and victim-blaming. A study conducted by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) found that the percentage of false reports falls within the range of 2% to 10% . The FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program notes that the percentage of unfounded cases (those determined to be false or baseless) for rape is consistently around 8% . This is comparable to the rates of false reporting for other crimes. Yet, survivors continue to be doubted.

Why Society Doubts Female Survivors

  1. Cultural Conditioning: From a young age, society conditions us to view men as strong and women as emotional or unstable. This stereotype leads to an inherent bias where men’s actions are often excused or rationalized, while women’s experiences are questioned.
  2. Victim-Blaming: There is a pervasive tendency to blame victims for their abuse. Questions like “Why didn’t she leave?” or “What was she wearing?” place undue burden on survivors to justify their actions instead of holding abusers accountable.
  3. Celebrity Worship: The idolization of celebrities compounds this issue. When a beloved public figure is accused, fans and the media can be reluctant to accept the accusations, fearing the fall of their idols more than the impact on the victims.
  4. Misogyny and Patriarchy: Deep-rooted misogyny and patriarchal values play a significant role. Women who speak out are often seen as troublemakers or liars, especially when their stories threaten the power and reputation of influential men.

The Importance of Believing Survivors

Believing survivors is crucial for several reasons:

  • Validation and Healing: When survivors are believed, it validates their experiences and is a significant step towards healing. It acknowledges their pain and starts to dismantle the isolation and shame they often feel.
  • Encouraging Reporting: When society believes survivors, it encourages others to come forward. Knowing they will be heard and supported can make a profound difference in a survivor’s willingness to report abuse.
  • Accountability: Believing survivors is essential for holding abusers accountable. Without belief, justice systems and support structures fail to act, allowing abusers to continue their behavior unchecked.

Moving Forward: A Call to Action

The P Diddy incident should serve as a catalyst for change. Here are some steps we can take to support survivors and create a more just society:

  1. Educate and Raise Awareness: Promote education on the dynamics of abuse and the importance of supporting survivors. Awareness campaigns can help dismantle harmful stereotypes and biases.
  2. Support Survivor Networks: Strengthen support networks and resources for survivors, ensuring they have access to the help they need without fear of judgment or disbelief.
  3. Challenge Misogyny and Patriarchy: Actively challenge and speak out against misogynistic attitudes and patriarchal structures that perpetuate the disbelief of women (future blog post coming on this topic).
  4. Hold Abusers Accountable: Advocate for robust legal and social frameworks that hold abusers accountable, regardless of their status or power.

The video of P Diddy allegedly abusing his ex-girlfriend is more than a scandal; it is a stark reminder of the ongoing struggle survivors face to be heard and believed. As a society, we must do better. We must listen to survivors, believe them, and take action to ensure justice and healing. Only then can we hope to build a world where survivors are supported and abusers are held accountable. Let this incident be a turning point—a moment when we choose to stand with survivors and demand a better, more compassionate future.

With love and solidarity,

M

Sources:

  1. NSVRC: False Reporting
  2. FBI: Uniform Crime Reporting

How to Support a Survivor: A Guide for Loved Ones

Featured by Melissa, posted in anxiety, depression, sexual assault, survivor, trauma, Uncategorized

Dear friends, family, and partners of survivors,

I want to start by thanking you for clicking on this post and expressing a willingness to support someone you care about who has experienced trauma. Your love and support can make an incredible difference in their healing journey. As a survivor myself, I know firsthand how vital the support of loved ones can be during such challenging times.

When I reported my assault, the officer I first talked to told me, “this is going to be an extremely isolating process, lean on your people.” I shrugged this off immediately. I have a large tribe and am no stranger to trauma and my people always come through. I figured that was just a warning the officer gave everyone that didn’t apply to me. At the hospital I heard this warning of isolation twice more. Still, I thought, not me.

The day I reported was the longest of my life. My best friend was with me the entire time and took me home with her to stay with her and her family. That night when things finally settled down and I went to bed alone I experienced my first feelings of isolation. Not just because I was physically alone. It’s impossible to explain the violating feeling of someone forcing themselves not only on you but into you. I can tell my story 100 times and it still doesn’t register to an outsider the way it felt to be me. The only time the feeling of isolation went away was sharing with another survivor. Unfortunately, I had more of these shared experiences than I wish but survivors share something we can’t explain, and we don’t have to. We know.

I started this blog hoping to connect more of us to diminish as much of the pain of isolation as possible. Not everyone wants to discuss their experience with their loved ones. It’s an incredibly vulnerable thing to share with anyone. But, I have found incredible strength and power through the conversations and connections I have built with other survivors.

While the below is just a guide, and everyone is different, I encourage you to ASK your loved one what they need. They might not know, show up anyway. You will not say the right thing, because there is no right thing to say to make this go away for them. Just show up and tell them you are there for them. A huge part of my isolation came in the weeks and months after I had told most of the people closest to me. No one knows what to say or do so they say nothing. The fear of bringing it up at a bad time, saying the wrong thing, or having an uncomfortable conversation stopped a lot of people from reaching out at all. Most went back to their lives seemingly unchanged while I struggled daily, forever changed.

My mom came from out of town and cleaned my house, one friend showed up at the place I was staying, another girlfriend texted me consistently just telling me she loved me, others offered a shoulder and helped with my dog. I am really lucky for the support that I had and that I never had the feeling of not being believed. I did, however, have several people tell me what they would have done if they had been me. That they would have “fought for their lives.” I know I don’t need to explain how unnecessary, unhelpful, and insensitive comments like this are. But, they happen. I am able to find a lot of grace for these comments now, knowing it comes from a place of misunderstanding. So, I hope this post helps someone better navigate supporting a loved one through this.

Here are a few tips to support your loved one:

  1. Believe Them: One of the most important things you can do is to believe the survivor. It takes immense courage to speak up about experiences of sexual violence, and your belief in them can validate their feelings and experiences.
  2. Listen, Don’t Judge: Create a safe space for the survivor to share their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. Sometimes, survivors just need someone to listen without offering advice or trying to “fix” the situation.
  3. Respect Boundaries: Every survivor copes with trauma differently, and it’s essential to respect their boundaries. Allow them to set the pace for discussing their experience and participating in activities.
  4. Offer Practical Support: Survivors may struggle with everyday tasks while coping with trauma. Offer practical support such as cooking meals, running errands, or assisting with childcare if needed.
  5. Educate Yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about the effects of trauma and how it impacts survivors. This will help you better understand their experiences and provide more effective support.
  6. Encourage Professional Help: Encourage the survivor to seek professional help if they’re open to it. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in processing trauma and developing coping strategies.
  7. Be Patient: Healing from trauma takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. Be patient and understanding, and let the survivor know that you’re there for them no matter what.
  8. Self-Care: Supporting a survivor can be emotionally challenging, so remember to take care of yourself as well. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.
  9. Validate Their Feelings: Let the survivor know that their feelings are valid and normal. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them.
  10. Be Their Ally: Stand up for the survivor and advocate for their needs, whether it’s in personal relationships, at work, or within the community. Your support can empower them to reclaim their voice and agency.

Remember, your support as a loved one is invaluable to the survivor’s healing process. Your presence, compassion, and understanding can make a world of difference. Thank you for being a source of strength and support during this challenging time.

Other survivors, please share anything your loved ones did that helped you!

With love and solidarity,
M