How to Support a Survivor: A Guide for Loved Ones

Dear friends, family, and partners of survivors,

I want to start by thanking you for clicking on this post and expressing a willingness to support someone you care about who has experienced trauma. Your love and support can make an incredible difference in their healing journey. As a survivor myself, I know firsthand how vital the support of loved ones can be during such challenging times.

When I reported my assault, the officer I first talked to told me, “this is going to be an extremely isolating process, lean on your people.” I shrugged this off immediately. I have a large tribe and am no stranger to trauma and my people always come through. I figured that was just a warning the officer gave everyone that didn’t apply to me. At the hospital I heard this warning of isolation twice more. Still, I thought, not me.

The day I reported was the longest of my life. My best friend was with me the entire time and took me home with her to stay with her and her family. That night when things finally settled down and I went to bed alone I experienced my first feelings of isolation. Not just because I was physically alone. It’s impossible to explain the violating feeling of someone forcing themselves not only on you but into you. I can tell my story 100 times and it still doesn’t register to an outsider the way it felt to be me. The only time the feeling of isolation went away was sharing with another survivor. Unfortunately, I had more of these shared experiences than I wish but survivors share something we can’t explain, and we don’t have to. We know.

I started this blog hoping to connect more of us to diminish as much of the pain of isolation as possible. Not everyone wants to discuss their experience with their loved ones. It’s an incredibly vulnerable thing to share with anyone. But, I have found incredible strength and power through the conversations and connections I have built with other survivors.

While the below is just a guide, and everyone is different, I encourage you to ASK your loved one what they need. They might not know, show up anyway. You will not say the right thing, because there is no right thing to say to make this go away for them. Just show up and tell them you are there for them. A huge part of my isolation came in the weeks and months after I had told most of the people closest to me. No one knows what to say or do so they say nothing. The fear of bringing it up at a bad time, saying the wrong thing, or having an uncomfortable conversation stopped a lot of people from reaching out at all. Most went back to their lives seemingly unchanged while I struggled daily, forever changed.

My mom came from out of town and cleaned my house, one friend showed up at the place I was staying, another girlfriend texted me consistently just telling me she loved me, others offered a shoulder and helped with my dog. I am really lucky for the support that I had and that I never had the feeling of not being believed. I did, however, have several people tell me what they would have done if they had been me. That they would have “fought for their lives.” I know I don’t need to explain how unnecessary, unhelpful, and insensitive comments like this are. But, they happen. I am able to find a lot of grace for these comments now, knowing it comes from a place of misunderstanding. So, I hope this post helps someone better navigate supporting a loved one through this.

Here are a few tips to support your loved one:

1. Believe Them: One of the most important things you can do is to believe the survivor. It takes immense courage to speak up about experiences of sexual violence, and your belief in them can validate their feelings and experiences.
2. Listen, Don’t Judge: Create a safe space for the survivor to share their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. Sometimes, survivors just need someone to listen without offering advice or trying to “fix” the situation.
3. Respect Boundaries: Every survivor copes with trauma differently, and it’s essential to respect their boundaries. Allow them to set the pace for discussing their experience and participating in activities.
4. Offer Practical Support: Survivors may struggle with everyday tasks while coping with trauma. Offer practical support such as cooking meals, running errands, or assisting with childcare if needed.
5. Educate Yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about the effects of trauma and how it impacts survivors. This will help you better understand their experiences and provide more effective support.
6. Encourage Professional Help: Encourage the survivor to seek professional help if they’re open to it. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in processing trauma and developing coping strategies.
7. Be Patient: Healing from trauma takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. Be patient and understanding, and let the survivor know that you’re there for them no matter what.
8. Self-Care: Supporting a survivor can be emotionally challenging, so remember to take care of yourself as well. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.
9. Validate Their Feelings: Let the survivor know that their feelings are valid and normal. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them.
10. Be Their Ally: Stand up for the survivor and advocate for their needs, whether it’s in personal relationships, at work, or within the community. Your support can empower them to reclaim their voice and agency.

Remember, your support as a loved one is invaluable to the survivor’s healing process. Your presence, compassion, and understanding can make a world of difference. Thank you for being a source of strength and support during this challenging time.

Other survivors, please share anything your loved ones did that helped you!

With love and solidarity,
M